How to take care of those experiencing bereavement (or significant loss) as a Leader.
This is one of the hardest areas I've had to navigate as a Leader. Particularly on one occasion when, as a team, we lost a colleague to a serious illness.
These were incredibly challenging times for the individuals impacted and you won’t know their pain or distress. As a Leader you need to recognise that you need to be able to handle this situation and support them in the way they need. These are the moments that matter, and these are the moments that those facing these life-changing events will remember you for.
You will face something like this at some point in your time leading teams, so taking the time to prepare and consider how you want to lead in these moments is a valuable investment in time.
In this Leadership Guide, I’m going to set out some themes for you to explore and work on. This won’t be a step-by-step guide as each situation and circumstance will be different. This guide is about getting you ready from a mindset perspective with some practical ideas to help you prepare and feel supported in the moment.
Your Activity Sheet provides a workspace for you to capture your thinking and your preparation.
Bereavement and Significant Loss
You might be thinking of the death of a loved one when considering this subject, but this could have a much wider scope. By getting to know your team, you may get a glimpse into their world, at what a bereavement or significant loss might mean for them. Remember, this isn’t about prying or trying to know every detail, this is about care and support.
If you haven’t explored the previous editions of Purple Sky Thinking for Leaders yet, then you may find the Building the Foundations for Brilliant Conversations one to go to next to support you in building your relationship with your team.
Try not to make too many assumptions but look out for these symptoms described by the NHS for a life-changing moment that could be classed as a bereavement or significant loss:
Shock and numbness – someone being in a daze.
Significant sadness, which may include crying.
Tiredness or exhaustion.
Anger.
Guilt.
You don’t have to label this with them i.e., “Would you say you are experiencing a bereavement” but just be aware. In some situations, it will be clear but even with some scenarios – a bereavement to you, might not be for that for someone else.
It’s also important not to make assumptions about what constitutes a bereavement or feelings of loss. If something significant happens in their life, something they consider to be life-changing, then this could lead to feeling of loss. This could be a bereavement or significant loss of another kind such as a marriage or relationship breakdown, a change in circumstances, or someone they are close to experiencing an illness or accident.
To understand more about bereavement and the stages of bereavement – I’d recommend that you explore the guidance provided by Mind.
The key point to take away here is:
This is about them, and what it means to them.
This is about how you as their Leader are going to take care of them based on what’s needed.
Mindset first.
Who do you want to be in the moment someone in your team faces a bereavement or significant loss? A moment that will change their lives, either for a while or forever.
Use your Activity Sheet to capture your thoughts here.
How do you want to show up?
How do you want them to feel?
How do you want them to remember you for this moment?
These aren’t self-indulgent questions or reflection points; they are aimed at helping you to get into the right space quickly should you face this situation.
Knowing who you want to be and how you want to show up, in advance of facing this situation, will help you to respond more effectively and be ready. Giving yourself time to consider this, will mean you’re not thinking in the moment – “How am I going to handle this!” you can just be there and be as ready as you realistically can for something that is really difficult to handle.
You must have your own answer to these mindset questions, as this is about being you, authentically but also reflecting the needs of the individual you are supporting.
I’m sharing my answers here, only to provide ideas:
This isn’t about me, it's about them.
I don’t need to have any answers - I can’t fix it or make it better.
I need to listen and allow them to express themselves.
What is it that they need? How can I facilitate/enable that?
I want them to know that I’ve got them and that I’m there for them.
We can flex in a way that helps them right now.
What we agree today, might need to change tomorrow and that’s OK.
Preparation.
Get to know what’s available in your organisation to support colleagues experiencing bereavement or significant loss.
You can use your Activity Sheet to capture any key points or sources of information, which can help you have everything to hand should you need it.
What type of things do you need to be looking for or asking about?
What’s on the intranet relating to the subject?
Are there any mental health or well-being services available?
Is there a policy or framework to support you as a Leader and the colleague who is experiencing this?
Are there any support groups?
What external sources of support might be useful – the links I’ve already shared for the NHS and the Mind are a good place to start but look for ones that you think might be most appropriate for the different colleagues you have in your team.
Having these all available (or as much as you can) beforehand will make things easier at the time. It means you don’t have to go searching if your colleague tells you this would be useful, it’s just ready.
If you have a People Team, as part of your preparation, arrange some time with them – share that you are working on preparing yourself for these types of situations and ask if there is anything you need to be aware of for your preparations and ask any questions you have about the policies.
Adherence to policies and procedures.
If you are someone who only accept 100% adherence to specific rules and policies, look away now. Honestly, if this is the way you want to lead, this isn’t the right guide for you.
But…here’s the disclaimer from me too: I don’t know your organisation or the country you operate in – ensure you are meeting at least the legal requirements and support but you’re here because you want to be a great leader and provide brilliant experiences for your team.
I can tell you now, for the vast majority, the policies and procedures you have in place in your organisation are unlikely to provide a pathway that provides the level of experience and support you genuinely need to offer to enable your team member to feel truly supported and taken care of.
This guide is based on you implementing the guides that have come before, creating a great team and relationships; where your team has your back as much as you have theirs – so this is about doing the best and right things.
Often, sadly, policies are geared around managing and limiting support and time to grieve – as a leader, you have to choose to do the right things. But I don’t know what level of support you have in your organisation to behave and act in that way, so make sure you are figuring that out.
When I’ve been faced with these situations, I’ll be honest, I’ve not even looked at the policies. I’ve just acted in a way the individual needed at the time, and I kept adjusting things with them by keeping in regular contact and providing interactive and caring support. This is what matters – holding them through a moment that is life-changing for them.
Feedback.
This might feel and be challenging, but where you have had colleagues who experienced life-changing events for them, ask if they are willing to share with you how they felt about how you supported them.
What worked well for them, what was challenging or what advice would they have for you if you had to support them through anything else like that?
You could also share with the team that you are doing some preparation on how you handle challenging life events – would they be willing to share what they might need from you or the organisation should this occur?
This will not give you a blueprint, but it will help understand some key themes even if it is very speculative as some people will not know how they might feel or react in certain situations.
A few final points.
Being emotional too is OK but remember it’s not about you – Your role here is to look after your team member. That doesn’t mean you can’t show any emotion, it also means you don’t need to demonstrate emotions you aren’t feeling.
What you need to keep front and centre is that this is about the person experiencing the loss. Be present for them and demonstrate empathy – here’s a useful clip from Brene Brown on this.
Talk about communication – Agree on how you are going to communicate and keep in touch, whether they are in or out of work during this time. I’d also suggest that you agree on what can and can’t be shared with others.
Agreeing these boundaries supports the individual but also enables them to control an aspect of their life, when they probably feel very out of control.
Look after yourself too – supporting people who are grieving or experiencing loss can be very emotionally and physically challenging.
It may bring back your own experiences or cause fear / anxiety that you weren’t prepared for. Access the support you need and seek out assistance from your Leader or the People team to ensure you are well.
This is never going to be easy, observing someone grieving and supporting them successfully is not easy but it’s a lot harder for them and therefore doing what you can to add less pain and hopefully a bit of light is the right thing to do.
Alongside remembering that this is about the type of Leader you want to be and what you want to be remembered for, by supporting them in the right way you are building your bond and relationships.
This will have future benefits for your relationship when handling these situations in the right way. You were there for them, they will more likely want to be there for you too.
This might be something that comes naturally to you but if you are not sure how you’ll respond or cope with this type of leadership challenge then getting prepared is the best way to do this well.
You will face someone experiencing grief, significant loss, or someone supporting someone who is very unwell. Be the leader they remember for the right reasons.
Use this guide and your Activity Sheet to set yourself up in the best way you can; it will serve you.
If you are a Leader who is experiencing this or have a team that is facing a bereavement due to a team member being end of life, feel free to get in touch, and I’m happy to provide any insight I can on my experience. You might not be in the same situation, but sometimes hearing what others have experienced can help you think about what you want to do or I can just be someone to listen.